New Year New Love- Falling In Love All Over Again
Dear Friends,
This year has undoubtedly been both one of the most challenging yet rewarding years of my life. Without going into the details I have been challenged to the very core of my being, and there is much more yet to come!
It was precipitated by my own feeling that I needed to live life more fully and be more alive than ever. I’ve realised that for me at least a life that is n0t lived from within, from awareness of my deepest being and feelings was neither what I am nor called to be. I would be short changing myself and ultimately everyone and everything in my life. A life of contentedness with whatever happens.
A life with no limitation. By that I do not mean there are no physical or other ‘limitations’ but rather that the beliefs, judgements and subsequent expectations of future consequences does not prevent me from living fully in the power of the present moment. As Eckhart Tolle has popularised, the Power Of Now.
The credit crunch has a lot to answer for but its effect on me has been marvellously positive. It has resulted in a loss of my former property business along with many other things that essentially are not important in my life. Things, relationships and beliefs and judgements that in fact were preventing me living a life on true purpose. The hardest of which to face was a sense of my own un worthiness and insufficiency. There just never seemed to be enough.
Somehow, finding the courage to be stretched to places of extreme discomfort and allowing myself to accept these moments of discomfort, and ‘use’ them as pointers to a deeper Truth, has in fact freed me to realise that so much of what I think is happening is in reality not really happening, at all. Most of how I think I see life is more or less completely made up.
As I see this, it allows me to recognise the true self, the abundant, loving self that I am. Not just in me but in others too. So the discomfort I experience is turned upside down so to speak and becomes the means to liberation.
Back in February I decided to retrain as a Life Coach, truly wishing to reconnect to others, in a service orientated way. The death of a young daughter, only 18 years of age, of friends of mine had touched me deeply. However, her sudden, unexpected death enabled me to reflect on my life and over a period of time I was moved by a rare combination of clarity and courage. I realised that my purpose is to love, be loved and serve others in whatever way I can. I also decided to begin training as a Life Coach and in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, with a view also of teaching meditation and other well being practices, online.
But there were family issues, marital issues and financial issues I needed to sort out. Long standing issues that had left me feeling disillusioned, isolated, insecure and alone. My traditional way of sorting this would have been to brainstorm the ‘problems’ , work out a plan and work hard to realise the plan. This had served me for most of my life, I am grateful for all the ways it has served me, but clearly its time had come. I had always found it particularly hard to trust my everyday feelings, never mind my deeper feelings and intuitive wisdom.
So I boldly decided to live mindfully every moment I could remember, to let go of feelings as they arose and be appreciative of whatever happened whether or not I judged things that happened to me, thoughts that arose or external events and relationships as they were impacting on me. Whether they were judged to be positive or negative. I stopped planning, strategising and goal setting, simply taking action on whatever inspired and motivated me when I got up every day.
Somehow I found the courage to live this way. Driven in some uncompromising way by the knowledge that so many of the spiritual and philosophical masters before us had taught, that we are already the freedom we are looking for. To live each day as it comes, reacting to life as it arises, doing only that which I am inspired or feel motivated to do. Untrammelled by the promptings of a false, over protective, dominating ego, hypnotically determining my thoughts and actions, wanting security, control and above all approval.
At times I felt desperate, anxious and very afraid. I felt selfish, guilty even, that I was putting myself first. I was in a completely new place, with none of the usual footholds of a to do list or daily planner.
I think the hardest thing to do was actually feeling the knowingness of being one with God.
Now I know for some the word God, Christ, even Bhudha or whatever can be very off putting. But this is simply what I believe. And most people even scientists agree there is a Power in the universe, whatever you wish to name it.
This has been life affirming for me. But it takes time, wonderful time, it doesn’t happen overnight, now I realise this I wish it takes however long it takes. Because in the end as much as I feel discomfort it feels like the Royal route to awareness and freedom of being the person I was born to be. Free to be.
And particularly this kind of intuitive, alignment with a much greater and more powerful force than I, though not separate from that Self. Means that my life , although seemingly doing or rather not doing, but being, each day, totally contradicts everything I think I should be doing.
In fact it was in that doing mode that I have got so caught up in. This is now a rambling sort of blog post. But for the first time in my life since I can remember as a child, I have no agenda other than living my life imperturbed in the face of whatever happens, as it happens, with no agenda other than to let go and let God in whatever discomfort or indeed good feelings I have. To focus on loving, being loved and in the service of others. To trust and actually be surprised at what life can bring each day.
The concept of the Four Marriages, (see the Three Marriages -David Whyte) that is the marriage with God, myself, my wife (or other relationship) and work I realise that in whatever I do, there must be love . Nothing less will ever do. Here I am not talking simply of the lovely romantic feelings, but rather the decision to Love. This year I began falling in Love all over again. The knowing that through this person, work or relationship that I am loved and can be loved, fulfilled, at peace, in joy.
Are there times when it is too much? Yes. Are there times when I doubt, am confused and afraid? Certainly. Are there times I think I am going mad? Most definitely. But gradually, quite slowly it is dawning on me that the life of freedom is possible. Not without suffering, but much of that is self generated. Not what I ever thought or imagined it to be, but something far more liberating awaits those who with courage and faith take action and begins to recognise the infinite expansion possible in this life.
The courage to face ones own fear and discomfort on a moment to moment basis, to affirm ones true identity in God, to let go of the many illusions that one has built up and taken on through many millennia, to realise the infinite co-creative possibilities and potential that one has and to be appreciative of all that has happened and all that is happening, is by far the place where I’d rather be.
There is no security, out there. Have courage, you have everything here and now that you will ever need, and more. Heaven is within you and all creation is eagerly waiting for that to be revealed. Heaven can be on Earth.
You are enough, you have enough and do enough. You are sufficient, abundant in fact. This realisation that who and what I am does not depend on any circumstance, person or thing but on the Source of Life itself, is true living knowledge indeed.
Living from that place more and more, having the courage to allow the inner attitudes necessary to act and live that life of Love and expanding not collapsing inwards, but letting life flow outwards in blessing. Trusting that in the end everything is OK and will be OK.
I truly wish you ALL an abundant, happy, and Joy filled life in 2010
Peace and Love,
Gavin J Gowans